Saturday, June 30, 2012

Weekly Challenges

Week 28
For Week Ending: Sunday, July 8
“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.” –Plato

(Thank you to Indigobuni for this week’s challenge.)

Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenges of 2012
Week 28
For week ending: Sunday, July 8

This week’s prompt is the 52nd for the Hans von Hozel Challenge. My co-hosts and I have decided that a year of weekly challenges is enough for now for this particular challenge.

Sadly, Hans von Hozel himself has removed his profile from, but our tributes to him will remain.

I hope you’ll all continue to consider writing us challenge stories and use the prompts already posted as well as enjoy the stories already written and shared. Don’t forget to subscribe to the thread on fanfiction for updates and to see all the prompts.

It’s been fun and I thank you all for your participation!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

True Blood 5.3 Recap - 'Whatever I Am, You Made Me'

or 'As the Vampire Turns: The Real Story of Eric and Pam According to Alan Ball.'

Howdy! This is ehee weighing in with the latest True Blood recap.

This week's episode begins with baby vamp Tara staring in amazement at herself as she heals from the silver shower she got on Sookie’s porch. (BTW – does this now advance Jessica’s standing on the vamp rookie ladder?)

Seems to me with as much exposure as she’s had to vampires (how can we forget her soiree with Franklin?) all this self-healing and ultra-awareness of her surroundings shouldn’t come as such a shock. But, I do understand she has been traumatized by her recent turning, so maybe I’ll just cut her a little slack.

And here’s where the show’s opening titles run. Can I just say how much it disgusts me every time I see “based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris” pop onto the screen? As a bookie I feel compelled to yell “I call bullshit!” at my TV.

But, I digress…

When Tara stumbles upon the girl with a flat on her lime green Pinto, I just had to laugh. Does every damsel in distress in north Louisiana drive a POS and wear her ponytail on the side of her head? 

Tara, newly born and blood-starved, attacks the girl, but before she can sink her fangs she catches her reflection in the car window and stops herself. Apparently her vampiness has given her a conscience…as well as a cure for her quivering lower lip.

Cut to Eric and Bill bound at the wrists and kneeling before The Authority. Did everyone on Team Eric get a charge out of how he still towers over Bill, even in this position?

As we get a good look at The Authority, I have one question: What the hell is a kid doing there? I may be mistaken, but I thought there was some (un)written law against turning children. And if there isn’t…well, there should be. 
Was anyone else besides me amused by how viciously the chancellors argued amongst themselves? How in the hell are they supposed to govern the world’s vampires if they can’t even get along with themselves? It finally takes Roman’s barking authority to bring them back to order. 

And may I interject here how tastily Roman fills out the blue pinstripes?

He then proceeds to give Eric and Bill the sanguinistas-have-turned-Russell-Edgington-into-their-own-Osama-Bin-Laden speech, which he ends by saying, “I have dedicated my guardianship to the fight for coexistence, and I will not see it go swirling down the shitter because of one ancient, pissed-off psychopath.” 

To which Bill, martyr card always at the ready, replies, “We’ll bring him in…or die trying.” *cue eye roll*

Eric and Bill are carted out of the room and Roman beckons for “the new Nan Flanigan” who is none other than our favorite FotS-leader-turned-vampire, Reverend Steve Newlin. 

You can’t help but love his flagrant, over-the-top cheesiness. As goofy as this character is, Michael McMillian carries him in such a way that you can’t help but like the guy.

Next we see Sookie storming through a crowded Fangtasia toward Pam, who obviously took texting lessons from Franklin Mott.  Sookie confesses Pam is her last resort for help, and pleads with her to help them find the MIA Tara. Pam, who obviously doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about her new progeny, refuses Sookie’s request with a coldness I never thought I’d see coming from her. Book Pam is snarky, snarly, and tactless, but this TB Pam is just a cold-hearted bitch. 

And I don’t think I like her much. 

Book Pam would never threaten to suck Sookie dry (and mean it); and the “fuck Tara and fuck you”, followed by shoving Sookie into a table was way over the top, even by Pam standards. I don’t blame Sookie for coming back with her superfairy glowing hand of kick-ass.

I wanted to put a stake through my TV screen and see if I could render this vampire finally dead, ‘cos she’s not the Pam we all know and love. 

Next we see Sam closing up Merlotte’s for the night and taking out the garbage. When he steps outside, his shifter nose tells him something is rotten in Denmark. Grabbing a pair of hedge clippers (this sort of weapon may work against Johnny Dumbass Human, but what does he think he’s going to do to a supe with those things?) he sniffs around and finds Tara hiding in the bushes, all bloody tears and fangs, pleading for his help. 

And the award for Best Imitation of a Poleaxed Mule goes to: Sam Trammel.

Back to Roman and Reverend Steve discussing the possible aftermath of Russell Edgington’s reappearance after Nan Flanagan told the public he was finally dead. Reverend Steve claims Elvis was spotted buying turkey jerky at a 7-Eleven in Yakima the week before, but that didn’t prove he was still alive. If only they would let Bubba into this show. Now there’s a character the writers could have some fun with.

Anyway, it looks like Reverend Steve is going to be The Authority’s new secret weapon against the sanguinistas. I don’t know about you, but I’ll sure sleep better at night knowing he’s on the side of the righteous horde.

Cut to the next scene, which begins with Eric and Bill removing their shirts so they can be fitted with some bizarre staking harness whatchamacallits. I swear…I don’t know where the writers come up with all of these freakish details. Anyway, I would love to be the little girl doing the putting on… 

Next we visit Sookie and Lafayette cleaning up the disaster Tara left in Sookie’s kitchen. Hard to believe she tore through there like a tornado and only topped over the furniture. I would have expected them to be sweeping up toothpicks and splinters.

Tara is now inside Merlotte’s, and it looks like she’s drunk enough TruBlood to founder and entire coven of vampires—and she’s still thirsty.

 Maybe it’s all the brain damage. Bubba! Where are you when we need you? At least he could give brain damage some panache. 

Sam wants to call Lafayette or Sookie to help Tara (after just a couple of random hookups, I guess he doesn’t figure they’re good enough friends to help her out himself) but she smashes a bottle on the bar and demands Sam promise he won’t tell anyone where she is. Dawn breaks suddenly and Tara is down for the count. Sam, in a panic, stuffs her in the only light-tight place at the bar he can think of. Brrrrr!

Now we find ourselves at the Renard Parrish Sheriff’s Department, where the employees seem to be having way too much fun on company time. Even with all of the supernatural hullaballoo that abounds in Bon Temps, there must not be enough to keep them all busy. Turns out they’ve been dishing on a snapshot of Sheriff Andy’s naked backside that found its way onto FaceBook. No screencap here—it was enough just to view it on TV.  Although I do smell an ass-whoopin’ coming for a couple of teenage boys. 

I don’t know about you, but I thought Chris Bauer really pulled off this scene with a vengeance. Mostly I think TB Andy just blows around spewing a bunch of righteous indignation, but here he has a valid reason to boil over…and Chris puts just the right amount of steam behind it.

We also get a look at Gordon and Barbara Pelt, who have come to the Sheriff’s office in their search for Little Debbie. Now that that storyline is all FUBAR, I have no clue where their search will lead them. (Did anyone recognize Linda Purl? Either the makeup artists were having an exceptionally good day *coughs* *sputters* or she’s starting to show some age…which makes me feel REALLY old.)

Jason Stackhouse is grocery shopping. This makes about as much sense to me as putting roller skates on a porcupine. Unless I missed the mark, he’s more of a beer and home-delivered pizza kind of guy. When a former teacher, Ms. Steeler, comes across him in the aisle, it doesn’t take long to figure out exactly how their paths crossed. Nope, guess there really isn’t a woman in Bon Temps that Jason hasn’t slept with.

The focus shifts to Terry and Arlene, yet another plotline we could do without. *cue revolving door* Is whatever happened in Iraq going to affect any other characters except Terry and Arlene? If not, can we just please drop it? And what I really, really wish would come out of all of this is for someone to tell Arlene to keep in mind she’s wearing a white shirt when she chooses her bra color. Just sayin’. 

Sookie and Lafayette come to Merlotte’s looking for news of Tara’s whereabouts. Sookie corners Sam in his office and begins to pick through his brain to see if he knows where Tara may be. Again, I could be mistaken, but aren’t Shifter Sam’s thoughts supposed to be hard for Sookie to read? Where are all the continuity editors when you need one? Or maybe I’m just getting the book and the show mixed up again. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Once again, Sookie and Lafayette argue over what to do about Tara, this time outside Sam’s walk-in cooler. Lafayette says keeping Tara in the cooler is like keeping a pet alligator in the bathtub. Reminds me of the old adage When you’re up to your ass in alligators, it’s important to remember your main objective was to drain the swamp. I don’t think Sookie and Laffy planned on their gator being this mean and nasty.

Why, all of a sudden, does Pam have a poofy pink coffin in the middle of Fangtasia’s basement? It’s like the writers brainstormed and decided to add a little slice of Heaven to the black hole of Calcutta. Was this a last minute throw-in, or are they diabolically plotting to confuse the hell out of us?

Pam is dreaming, and we’re transported back to San Francisco circa 1905, where whorehouse patron Eric Northman is pondering over his choices of entertainment for the evening. Rubber Ruby, who apparently has no bones in her hips, looks to be a good choice, but no…Mr. Northman’s discriminating palate thirsts only for the HMIC (Head Madame In Charge).

Aaaannnnd, we’re back to the Lorena and Bill Funtime Hour. Swell. I thought we had enough of their antics in Season 3. I’m sorry, but I found the whole idea of Eric running into them feeding their way through Pam’s brothel in San Francisco a little too much to swallow. One thing I did learn, however, was Bill sure hasn’t smartened up any as he’s aged.

After breaking in on Bill and Lorena feeding on one of Pam’s girls, Eric properly chastises them and demands an apology for Pam. When Pam also demands $500 for every girl they’ve drained, Eric is impressed by her brassiness whisks her off to “settle a debt.”

Well, looks like Jason has offered to carry home his teacher/lover’s groceries, ‘cause now he’s sitting in her living room getting the stink eye from her housecat, which hisses and claws at him like it knows something about him we don’t. *wink* Ms. Steeler tries to tell Jason their so-called relationship was a mistake, which Jason reads as code for “do me again, you insatiable horndog” and slides his hand up her dress. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what's going to happen next. 

Mr. and Mrs. Pelt somehow manage to track down Alcide at a lumber yard, where they grill him about Debbie’s whereabouts. He is forced to tell them what a skanky hoWere their daughter is and that he has washed his hands of her for good. Too bad this story line couldn’t have taken a dirt nap along with Debbie. Zzzzzzzz.

Sheriff Andy brings all of his bulldog charm to Merlotte’s to question Sookie about Debbie Pelt’s disappearance. His demeanor quickly turns sympathetic when Sookie tells him Debbie is a V addict. When Sookie doesn’t fess up, he turns his attentions to Holly, whom he calls outside. He shows her a screenshot of the FaceBook ass picture (did anyone notice the caption Sheriff Mom Fucker?) and asks if she wants to take their relationship to the next level. How much more romantic can you get?, I ask you.

Cut to post-coital Jason and Teach. All I can say about this one is, “Conscience off, dick on.” When Jason gets on a self-analysis kick I get nervous. But at least he thought to smell the inside of his shoe before putting it on.

Back to business. Bill is escorted to the bowels of wherever the Authority is holding him, where Salome unabashedly attempts to coerce a pity fuck from him, wielding her messed up childhood like a master swordsman. Throw in a little ego stroking, and the next thing we know Bill is trying to drive her spine through the wall. I guess Eric isn’t the only one who can get vertical. Urg. *retches in mouth a little* 

Jessica is “hotter than barbecue Tabasco sauce.” That’s a good one!

 Of all the non-book characters in the show, Jessica was the smartest move the writers made. She’s spunky, she’s sassy, and just a hella lot of fun. When she meets Claude Crane while buying dresses at Tracy’s Togs (again, Urg!) she doesn’t know what he is, but she knows she likes it! She follows his delectable aroma to a field and finds his abandoned car…wonder where this one is going to lead?

I’m donning my fashion critic hat here and saying the goth fangbanger look for Hoyt is a no-go. I don’t know if he has some kind of a death wish or what, but showing up at Fangtasia all painted up and despondent is certainly a safety hazard. And Pam was so kind to warn him….

Okay, I know in his thousand years as a vampire Eric has bedded probably at least half a million women. I also know, according to the books, that Eric and Pam had a “thing” after he turned her. But the bedroom scene in this episode really squicked me out. 

Firstly, he did that same fingertip-down-the-shoulder thing he did in Sookie’s dream in Season 2. Does no one on this show have any imagination? 

Secondly, the entire reasoning for him turning Pam was COMPLETELY IGNORED, and she was made to look like a washed up whore begging for salvation from the Tenderloin instead of the sassy, willful Brit who caught Eric’s fancy. Eric turned Pam because he wanted a companion, not to spare her a syphilitic demise. And that fact that she was scripted to force Eric’s hand in turning her is totally tasteless. Poorly played, Mr. Ball.

The only item of note from this scene is this: 

(Yeah, y'all knew this one was going to find its way onto the blog!)

I also find it noteworthy that Pam has retained nothing of Eric’s lecture on the responsibilities of being a maker in regards to her treatment of Tara. And I thought vampires had minds like steel traps.

Is there no end to what Salome will do to complete her agenda? She has no compunction about using Godric and Nora to get under Eric’s cold skin.  Unlike Bill, who let the little head do the thinking for the big head, Eric isn’t as easily swayed by Salome’s duplicity. He recognizes her ploy for what it is…but that doesn’t stop him from doing the horizontal mambo if his dance card isn’t full. Yowza!

Just when I think their ability to concoct the unthinkable is at an all-time high, the writers/producers/whoever choose a lethal injection machine to torture vampires with silver. Given the fact the vampires been in the torture business for centuries, I imagined some archaic contraption from the Dark Ages overflowing with gruesome, pain-inflicting parts, but no—nothing but the ultra-modern is good enough for our vamps.

 I’ve watched this scene half a dozen times, and I’m still scratching my head. Did Nora really call Rosalyn a cunting twat? Is this some British term of endearment we have yet to be introduced to on this side of the pond?

Jessica: Knock knock.
Jason: Who’s there?
Jessica: Horny Jessica.
Jason: Sorry, my dick has a conscience now.
Jessica: But I just chased a fairy and I’m all hot and bothered!
Jason: Go away. I’m all emo and don’t know how to be friends with a girl.
Jason’s dick: Just shut up and fuck her!

Tara on ice—don’t piss her off. 

Back to Merlotte’s kitchen where Alcide, who can’t leave well enough alone, gets more than he bargained for when he presses Sookie for the truth and finds a fangy Tara emerging from the walk-in. If you don’t want to know, dude, don’t ask.

Eric and Bill telling trim tales in the elevator? Ewwwww!

Wow! Salome can learn a lot about a guy from a close inspection of his man bits. Insert Tab A into Slot B and all diabolical thought processes are automatically transferred from one vamp to another. Cute trick! Although I wasn’t too impressed by Roman going for Trashy Thirds, a shirtless CM is always a welcome sight. 

 Back in Merlotte’s kitchen, Mr. Bony Nose (a.k.a. Lafayette’s witchy alter ego) makes an appearance to pour bleach into a pot of gumbo. Where is this story line going?

Meanwhile, out in the parking lot, Sookie spills her guts to Alcide about killing Debbie. Seriously, people? I realize the show is so far removed from the books that Eric can’t be involved in Sookie’s little secret, but what in the hell does she hope to gain by involving Alcide? Incidentally, I think JM showed more emotion in his face during this scene than he has the entire time he’s been on the show. Is he maybe going to show off those acting chops we’ve been waiting since Season 3 to see?
Alas, no recap would be complete without at least one pic of Alcide:

Finally, we see Tara wandering down a street lined with businesses that are obviously closed but still have all the lights on inside. Peculiar. She saunters up to a beauty parlor/tanning salon aptly named Curl Up and Fry, where she breaks in and immediately finds a tanning bed. No waiting for sunup for this newborn. It’s flip the switch and let the sizzling (and screaming) begin. At least we don’t have to watch her chin quiver. 

Pam, blazing away on the adding machine in Fangtasia’s office, feels her progeny’s pain. And with all the warmth of a doting new mother, she simply mutters, “You stupid bitch.”        

Is this the end of one of the starring roles as has been recently rumored? Guess we’ll have to wait until Sunday to find out.

Thanks, everyone, for letting me part of the recap fun! Looking forward to doing it again for episode 5.9.

The Giggle/Snort Awards

We're very happy and proud to announce that some of our SVM fanfiction writers have been nominated for Giggle/Snort awards!

Voting is open now through July 10. Go to the Giggle/Snort Awards home page to vote.

Here are the nominees from the SVM fandom:

Best Author:


Best Adult:

The Viking's Pet: The Full Story by FanOTheFang

Best Supernatural/Vampire:

Back to the Future Again by Suki59

Death Eatin' a Cracker by misscyn

Best All Human:

All In by kjwrit

Alcide in Wonderland by ericizmine

Funniest Fumble:

Bored to Death by ericizmine

Funniest One-shot:

King Bill by fangbangerlayla

Let's Talk About Sex by Suki59

Sookie's Dream: Outtakes of Pour Some Sugar on Me by BonTempsBaby

Best Overall:

Immortal Beloved by All About Eric

Congratulations to all the nominees! Now, go read, review, and VOTE!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Weekly Challenges

Week 27
For Week Ending: Sunday, July 1
A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work.

Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenges of 2012
Week 27
For week ending: Sunday, July 1

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Sites for reading Fanfiction

Hi!   I'm a guest poster here.  I don't have my own blog, well I have a WordPress one, but I have never done a post there.  I have the I Write the Songs blog, but this is not contest related so...  here I am.  I will say my opinion here is my own. I only mean to share some thoughts and ideas, not start a war or anything.

I love   I hate   I am there, every day,  reading something, leaving reviews,  looking at what new stories or updates have posted. I have a bookmark to my favorite filter and I use it every day.  I love being able to have a huge bank of stories in the fandoms I read – SVM / TB (Sookie Stackhouse)  and SOA  (Sons of Anarchy).    It has been a fixture in my life for a few years now. 

It has search and filter tools I love.  I can find stories with the specific characters (Eric & Sookie,  Jax & Tara)  and my favorite categories (Romance / Humor).    But many people are leaving the site.  And its rules don’t actually allow some of the stories I love – the sexy ones.   We agreed to those rules when we set up an account; they have the right to enforce them.

I also can use Storymaster to download one story, all my favorite stories, all of one author’s works,  a community  or all the reviews for a story.  It works with, The Writer’s Coffee Shop and a few other sites.   It creates files in pdf, epub, mobi, lit, html, or txt formats.

LiveJournal makes me crazy.  I can never find anything.  The Writer's Coffee Shop is pretty good, but it doesn’t have a very large base of work.  But nothing yet has the base of work does.  Wordpress I actually like pretty well.  But how do I find new authors that write stories about the couples or categories  or even fandoms I prefer?  It’s fine if I already know and love the author but it doesn’t offer the broad base of searching across authors or stories I need.   

The Sookieverse has an SVM author directory  to see where authors are posting but it needs some updating. has a newer, any fandom author directory also.
The closest thing for my needs,  is Archive of Our Own (A03).  It is newer.  It doesn’t have the database or all the features yet.  But it looks promising.  And it has Explicit and Mature ratings, so posting those smexy stories is within the rules.

So I have set up a profile there.  I also set up Collections for I Write the Songs.  Some of the stories from 2010 are there.   If any authors from either 2010 or 2012  want to post there and add into the collection,  or the Sample Fics collection,  let me know.  

The support is friendly and helpful; they said they would help me get invitations for the authors to get onto the site.  Email me at  or tweet me at @Northwomn  or @I_WritetheSongs,  if you want to get an invitation or have questions.  They are trying to limit growth during the beta startup.  So it might take a little effort,  but I think it is worthwhile to try to develop this new site. 

Anne     Northwoman  

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Bookie Weighs In True Blood 5.2 "The Authority Always Wins"

It's moxiemo here with this week's installment of "The Bookies Weigh In". 

Episode 5.2 "The Authority" always wins begins right where 5.1 ends—with newborn vampire Tara attacking Sookie.

"Pam, do something!" Sookie implores.

"I am. I'm laughing," she replies. I'm laughing too, Pam. At anyone who thought turning Tara into a vampire was going to be a good idea.
Pam benevolently pulls Tara off Sookie and commands her not to bite her former friends. Tara runs into Sookie Eric's house and begins to tear it up. If Pam thought the maenad was a good decorator, I wonder what her opinion of Tara's renovations would be. I hope they complement Sookie's new Southern Living-inspired open cabinets.

Cut to the Authority, where Eric, Nora, and Bill are being marched in to a warehouse.

Is the Authority sharing office space with the Ministry of Magic?

source: truebloodgifs.tumblr
"You're taller than I expected," their captor says to Eric.

"I get that a lot," he replies. And no matter how well SkarsgÄrd delivers the line, I don't buy it.

Eric, Bill, and Nora the traitor are thrown into cells.

And now on to scene 3, the werewolves. I'd take my bathroom break, but we're still only about 5 minutes into the episode.

As if the wolves chomping down on a corpse last week wasn't gross enough, we get another scene of weres chowing down again. Innards. Nom nom nom.

Alcide refuses to join in—I'd think he was a vegetarian, but tofu just doesn't get you that kind of muscle mass—and he's catching flack. He's accused by random wolf no. 1 of being a coward and thinking he's above the laws of the pack.

"I have no interest in being packmaster—or eating him," Alcide replies. This raises Alcide's esteem in my mind. I'd mostly written him off as a dumb brute, but I respect a guy who doesn't want to be the leader of the crazies or munch on corpses. I, after all, am a vegetarian. And certainly not a cannibal.

Next, we find ourselves in bed with Arlene, where she is roused from sleep by a dreamwalking Terry, who is experiencing war flashbacks.
source: felixarmadillo.tumblr
Terry was much cooler when he had an armadillo.

We're back to Sookie's house, where Tara is still fucking shit up.

Just as quickly, we cut to Fangtasia, where Ginger is happy to see Pam. She had to open by herself. Ginger asks with concern why Pam is all covered in dirt (though she doesn't seem to notice the yellow Wal-Mart sweat suit). "I was in the dirt. What's your excuse?"

I like snarky Pam much better than bitchy Pam. I get that she's upset about fighting with Eric, but come on. 

Without any seeming impetus, Pam is transported back in time via flashback to San Francisco, 1905. Pam is a high class madame or lady of the night, dolling out blow from her ring.

A gentleman requests a certain lady who has been holed up in room 3 for almost an hour. When Pam goes to investigate, she find a bloody corpse. I guess we know why Pam was so offended that Lafayette called her a hookah in the walk-in during season 3. I'm impressed they remembered a detail from that long ago.

Cut to Bill and Eric in their cages. Their getting to know fellow baby-killer inmate, the former nurse practitioner who is found of eating newborns. Captivity is not an appealing prospect.

"So...any ideas?" Eric asks.

And of course, Bill is acting all noble and trying to barter for Eric and Nora's freedom. If I were the Authority, I'd be activating the UV torture rays too—just to shut him up.

Cue the storyline I care about even less about than Terry and Arlene's: Sam and Luna.

Marcus's crazy mother shows up wanting to see her granddaughter. Luna wants Emma no where near that crazy werewolf shit. Sam asks her what happens when Emma turns out to be a werewolf. Oh, I wonder what's going to happen!

Actually, I don't. I don't give a fuck.

At least until we're in the next scene, where Tara is still tearing up Sookie Eric's house. It's almost dawn, and I'm wondering when Sookie and Lafayette have slept in the past several days? They're sleep-deprived enough to want to get Tara underground for the day. Apparently Tara's command from her maker to not feed on Lafayette and Sookie has worn off, so when Lafayette cuts his arm open and offers his blood, Tara happily digs in, just long enough for Sookie to silver her and wrangle her into Eric's cubby.

God, I just wish they'd let her die.

It's now about halfway through the episode, so you'd think we'd have made some advancement in each storyline...but we've forgotten Jason and Andy.

Andy confesses to Jason that he had sex.

"Welcome to the club," he replies.

Ha, ha.

"But now she's blowing me off," Andy laments.

"Oh, that's better! You can eat the pie without paying forth the cow," Jason says.

But oh, wait, we've gotten to the point of the scene, revealed by the exposition disguised as dialogue. Sheriff Andy and his favorite deputy Jason have been called in to investigate an abandoned vehicle. Who does it belong to?

Debbie Pelt.

When Andy finds V in the vehicle, he hands it right over to Jason to dump out. Oh, let's revel in the character growth. We don't get the opportunity often.

It's daytime now, and Sookie still doesn't seem to have slept for days. She's instead going shopping at the local vampire weapon store, presumably to arm herself against Russel Edgington, who is after her.
source: truebloodgifs.tumblr
Just in case you forgot she's a telepath, she's going to read the storekeeper's mind. And say something that reveals she did catch a glimpse into his thoughts, because you know, that's what Sookie's been doing her whole life (remember the pointless playground flashback from 5.1? Sookie still hasn't learned its a good idea to keep her telepathy under wraps).

Hey! Merlotte's is open! Terry is in the kitchen and freaks out on Arlene. There is some war flashback going on. I yawn.

Meanwhile, Sookie is installing her new colloidal silver sprayer on her porch. But she picks up Lafayette's thoughts about staking Tara—and feels the need to intervene.

Lafayette has recognized HOW INCREDIBLY STUPID their rash decision to have Pam turn her is. Tara hates vampires. She's better off dead. I am inclined to agree, and am already begging for them to kill off someone, because my head is spinning from the constantly changing storylines.

But no. Sookie, the good friend, wants her bestie to live to see another day. Remember Jessica? It was really hard for her in the beginning, and look at her now.

As if there weren't enough threads to keep track of, we're thrown back to Andy and Jason. Some Random Kid is  pissed off at Jason for fucking his mother. Has Jason fucked everyone in Bon Temps? Yes. Yes he has. Should you care? That remains to be seen. Oh, and remember last episode when Some Random White Guy asked Andy to fix his grandson's ticket? Yeah. More on that. Maybe this storyline will be as relevant as that random football player from last season. Because that ended up being Really Important.

Oh yeah! Jessica! We almost forgot about her. Cue the coeds partying it up at Bill's mansion. Just when you are reading to give up on the episode, Steve Newlin shows up! Man, can McMillz dance!

source: truebloodgifs.tumblr

Inexplicably, we're back in Pam's flashback. She's walking down a dark alley—you know, like all victims of sexual violence—and Eric rescues her from the man who wouldn't wait until tomorrow at 8 o'clock for Pam to be available.
source: lorath.tumblr
Don't get me wrong. Eric licking bloody hands in a top hat and coattails? Maybe the highlight of the episode (after Steve Newlin's dancing). Still, I'm underwhelmed. This might have something to do with my love for Pam's origin story—chapter 7 of All Together Dead is my favorite chapter of all of the Southern Vampire Mysteries. I love how simple the story is. Eric was lonely and saw Pam sneaking out of her house in the middle of the night, recognized something in her that craved a different life with only a glimpse, and turned her. Then he laid her in her bed, let her family bury her, and help dig her up. No matter how dapper Eric looks in that top hat, his saving her in a dark alley and offering her coins to replace her bloody dress doesn't hit the same note for me.

source: lorath.tumblr
I'll be interested to see how Pam's story turns out, but I'm not hopeful it will live up to the story we get in the books.

Bill is being interrogated by an Authority vampire. He's hooked up to some injectable silver. They want to know why Nora, longtime Authority Chancellor, would risk her position to save them.

Here's where we get more backstory on vampires. Apparently they have a "Bible" that is the "Original Testament" about how Lilith was made in the image of God, who is also a vampire. Adam and Eve? Just food.

So this is making total sense, until I realize that vampires have been around way longer than Christianity (hello, Godric) and the idea of a "vampire Bible" is totally lame. Bill actually earns points for refusing to admit he believes in the literal interpretation of this vampire text.

But at least they are setting up the core struggle for Season 5 early on. The LA Times explains:
There is, it seems, a vampire bible, an original testament that describes how Lilith, Adam’s “first wife,” was made in the image of God: a vampire. The fundamentalists who believe in a literal interpretation of this sacred text, known as Sanguinistas, see humans as nourishment placed on Earth by the creator to feed his children. 
I'm also going to take a moment to digress, and explain my ambivalence about the clever name for these fundamentalists, a play on the term for Nicaraguan rebels who overthrew the dictatorial Somoza regime in 1979—the Sandinistas. While "Sanguinistas" is a cute twist, associating vampires who want to enslave humans and farm them for their blood with the revolutionaries is problematic for me. This is probably because I wrote my thesis on the women's movements during Central American revolutions. But for those who don't know, these are some real Sandinistas.

Bottom line: I'm just not buying that anyone thinks that people were made to nourish vampires like beetles nourish the lark. Apparently there are those who think that emotional alliances with humans are blasphemous. That makes sense and is in line with discussion of vampires in previous seasons (I'm thinking

Where were we? Oh, yeah. Bill is being interrogated by the Authority. But what the guy really wants Bill to do is turn on Eric, which he doesn't do. Remember, they are all bromancey.

Cut to Eric, who is also being interrogated.  The nerd in me is proud that both of them don't sell each other out. They've clearly studied game theory and know the only way to win the prisoner's dilemma is to not confess or turn on your partner! Cooperation is what they need to stay alive. Eric doesn't even flinch when his interrogator tells him Nora is dead, though he does look rather soulful. I would have thought Eric would have more control after a thousand years, but apparently those days with Sookie really brought out his emotional side.

At least he's pretty to look at.

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But wait! There's more secondary characters we haven't wasted time on! No one forgot about Hoyt and Maxine, right? The good sun is fixing his mamma's drain when Jason stops by to apologize. Hoyt drops about 23 F-bombs, and Maxine kicks Jason out while promising to bake him a pie for breaking up Jess and Hoyt.

Oh, big surprise, Luna opens the door to Emma's bedroom to find a cuddly wolf-cub. Maybe werewolves are different...but when we saw Sam's flashback into his first puppy transformation, he was an adolescent (which jived with book canon). Wonder if we'll get an explanation? I'm not holding my breath.

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At least we're jumping back to my favorite scene so far. Steve Newlin has come to barter for Jason.
Jess prompts him to sport both a fang-boner and a real boner by talking about Jason's ass, which is so hard you could chip a fang on it. When Jessica says she doesn't sell her friends, the real party starts.

A hair-pulling girl-fight ensues. Deborah Ann Woll and Michael McMillin have great chemistry together and their scenes are the highlight of the episode, in my opinion.

Now we're back to Arlene who stops by Patrick's hotel room to get the dirt on Terry. They share some Pabst. Why rednecks in Louisiana are drinking hipster beer is beyond me.

Of course Terry tracks her down and kicks her out so that he can discuss their fellow soldier who may or may not be setting houses on fire with his itchy trigger finger and psychotic tendencies. I just wish we could kill this storyline, but clearly we're going to waste a bunch more time on it.

And now, the scene that Grandma has been waiting for! We finally get to meet Christopher Meloni as Roman, the head of the Vampire Authority. He says cuts his wrist ceremonially and offers a drop of blood to the other senior members while reciting a prayer that those damn Catholics must have ripped off, because it sounds vaguely familiar except for the whole Lilith and God is a vampire theme. We get a great speech from Roman about the perils of rogue vampires who want to destroy the mainstreaming agenda.

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Eric notes that he's trying to stay out of politics and religion. This isn't going to save him and Bill from the True Death.

But Bill's got the news of Russell's escape to barter for his life. Russell is going to be coming after Bill and Eric, and they are willing to help deal with the Authority's #1 enemy.

Of course, from the look of Russell, he's not much of a threat now. But I hear by episode 6 he's not looking so crispy and dry and will be up to no good. We can only hope he'll kill off a few of these extraneous storylines (and Tara).

Though it is campy and nonsensical, I'm tuning in with Grandma for the next few episodes to see more of Christopher Meloni. If Alan Ball and company could reign in the extraneous storylines that bog each episode down so I don't feel like I get whiplash from jumping from scene to scene so quickly, the show would be so much better.

I look forward to seeing everyone's reactions! Thanks to NYCsnowbird for many of the screen captures and for allowing me to contribute a recap to A Bookie Weighs In. If you'd like to follow the rest of my recaps which feature memes from my husband, Mister BS, and commentary from my True Blood-loving grandma, you can check them out (and my fanfic) on my blog, Open a Vein.

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