Dead As A Doornail (Book 5)

Dead as a Doornail: A Sookie Stackhouse Novel by Charlaine Harris

So in the preceding book to, Dead as a Doornail, Dead To The World, Ms. Harris leaves us hanging after Eric uses his antique, thousand-year-old thinking cap to figure out that something big happened when he was running around all amnesiac-like in his (unbeknownst to him) lover Sookie Stackhouse’s house (just a refresher: Debbie Pelt tried to shoot Sookie but Eric took the bullet, so then Sookie shot Debbie) and although Eric doesn’t remember any of this, he does know it’s so big it involves brain tissue on Sookie’s coat. And then he sends Sookie my third favorite Eric gift, a cranberry red coat that is everything Sookie guessed it would be and then some.

And that cranberry coat does make an appearance in Dead as a Doornail around the same time as our favorite Viking does: three chapters in. If Harris had used the first two chapters as filler chapters, I would have been miffed because she ended the fourth book with a Viking-sized cliffhanger (although it’s not as big as the one in Dead and Gone, but if I get into that this will turn into a pretty weird review that’s 0.01% book 5 and 99.99% book 9) and bides her sweet time until she talks about the character that she referred by name 473 times in the previous book (I have all of the books converted into PDF files; Bill’s name came up 159 times—just sayin’).

But no, Dead as a Doornail opens with Sookie helping her brother with the pretty major transition from human to part were-panther (another substantial cliffy from the last book), and then Sookie’s wannabe husband and Jason’s were-panther mentor Calvin Norris is shot in the chest by an unknown sniper and taken to a hospital, and then her boss Sam Merlotte is shot in the leg by an unknown sniper while talking to Sookie, so I guess it’s excusable that we don’t see Eric until page 29.

Harris makes it up to her readers (especially my fellow members of Team Eric) when she finally has Sookie came to Fangtasia in the aforementioned cranberry coat, blue jeans that are “on the tight side,” and a white fuzzy sweater (?) that shows off her stomach AND her “natural bounty.” Um, Sookie, from what everyone says and thinks about your boobies, you seem to have a nice rack. So PLEASE don’t refer to your breasts in such a way that I’m instantly reminded of the brand of vitamins my seventy-year-old grandmother takes, the one called Nature’s Bounty? Kthnxbaiiii.

And then Eric makes my poor fangirl heart flutter when he picks Sookie’s FINGERNAIL POLISH to compliment (not her red-white-and-blue outfit that symbolizes how she’s just the telepath-next-door), because only a thousand-year-old Viking could say that cranberry nail polish is “pretty” and not make me snort. As loud. And then my fangirl heart dies of happiness and disintegrates into a bajillion dolphins and scratch-and-sniff stickers when Eric surprises Sookie (who admits she “didn’t expect any salutation from Eric” because “vampires don’t shake hands unless under extraordinary circumstances”) by kissing her on the cheek—TWICE!—and dancing with her—because he ASKED her to dance with him—and holds her hand and helps her put on her coat. And wouldn’t you know it, he does it all WITHOUT remembering, as Sookie states, that “he’d already kissed just about every inch of Sookie Stackhouse” and that they’d “been up close and personal as a man and a woman could be.” So let’s just go ahead and add this to the jar reasons why (SPOILER) Eric is the “good man” described in Dead and Gone and why Sookie should end up with him, shall we? *cough* Charlaine Harris *cough* But Sookie’s um, interesting fashion sense aside, the first scene between Sookie and Eric post-Dead To My World is full of what all good scenes between Sookie and Eric usually have: witty banter, sexual tension, kissing, light teasing, and … supe drama =/

See, Sookie goes Fangtasia on behalf of her boss to ask for Eric’s help with the employee crisis at Merlotte’s, seeing as their resident bartender and supe (Sam) is currently in the hospital with a broken leg. But the fact that Sam hates her connection to Eric but doesn’t hate it when he can use it to find a new bartender) makes me annoyed, so in an effort to lift my spirits I’m going to add Eric’s name into the mix: Eric agrees to lend Sookie his newest bartender, an ex-pirate vampire named Charles Twining who Sookie describes as having “beautifully white” teeth—which annoys me because hey, just about everything else changes when a vampire is turned, so why is it so inconceivable that their teeth would change as well? It’s obvious that vampires recieve a really nice dental upgrade when they’re turned (nice to meet you, fangs … OMG what if vampires had nicknames for their fangs, like guys do for their arms or dick?), but apparently it’s waaaaay better than the eye care upgrade, since Charles only has one eye. He probably had terrible teeth when he was alive; as a maybe 19th century pirate (I’m guessing, because even though he never reveals his age, he does say that he worked at a whorehouse in New Orleans, and Louisiana was purchased by America’s third president, Thomas Jefferson, in 1803—whammy, you just got history-ed!) he probably was too busy searching for buried treasure and having sword fights and saying “arrgh” to think about dental hygiene—and if he wasn’t, the best he could do would probably be rubbing a stick with a piece of soap and then brushing his teeth with it.

Anyways, Eric gives Sookie the pirate poster boy for Aquafresh to take home with her (my least favorite Eric gift ever) so he can act as the new bouncer/ bartender. I’ve decided that if Alan Ball decides to cast a Charles Twining and actually have the character remain true to canon, I would LOVE it if Maxine Fortenberry made a snarky comment about the new pirate vampire bartender at Merlotte’s.

But there’s another new vampire in town, and his name is Mickey. This is when Charlaine Harris is very silly and has the one vampire that even Eric is a little hesitant about (in this point in the series, anyways) have the same name as one of the most recognizable cartoon characters of all time. Mickey is … involved with Sookie’s friend Tara (the one who danced with Sookie in Club Dead, when she was seeing a vampire named Franklin Mott). Apparently Franklin owes Mickey, so he re-gifts Tara on to him like she’s a crappy Christmas present and not an actual human being. So Tara and Mickey go to Merlotte’s, where Mickey glares a lot and drinks cheap knock-off True Blood that’s called Red Stuff (really?) but still manages to make the locals like him more than Bill; for example, Portia Bellefleur, who HATED fake-dating Bill, seems to have no trouble “peeking around her conservative beau to study Mickey.” Did I mention Mickey is the “snakelike” vampire who has “long fingernails” (hah) and “mud colored, reptilian” eyes who reminds Sookie of a “slimeball?

Looks like the good people of Bon Temps believe that ANY vampire is better than Vampire Bill *cheers obnoxiously* because Charles is welcomed as well, and so much faster than Bill was—although I suppose the comparison is faulty because Charles actually has a personality and is perfectly capable of making people (i.e. Sookie) laugh. Oh, and the fact that before Charles was turned, he as in charge of beating up men who became too rowdy at the whorehouse he worked as a bouncer at probably makes him an ideal candidate for the job.

And Charles is pretty good at his job, and then some, because he ends up helping Sookie when her house catches on fire thanks to a random Fellowship of the Sun arsonist. Claudine, Sookie’s fairy godmother, is actually the one who brings Sookie out of the burning house not once but twice, because stubborn Sookie decides it’s a good idea to run back into the flaming house to get some FRIGGIN’ SOCKS from her bedroom. WTF SOOKIE? And we don’t even get a description of said socks! I mean, if you’re risking your life for a pair of socks, they better have been knitted, autographed, kissed, and personally given to you by Alexander Skarsgard, or at least be magic socks that let you time-travel every time you wear them.

I think this scene is where the cover art comes from, even though Claudine saves Sookie from the fire because apparently fire is fatal to vampires. So, no, Bill does not save Sookie; he doesn’t even realize there’s a fire until Charles zooms over to his house to call 9-1-1 like a good little vampire. But there aren’t any other fires in the book, so why is Bill on the cover carrying Sookie to safety? *shakes head and stomps feet and throws hands in air like an angry Sim*

As if that wasn’t enough, Sookie also gets shot-like all of the other supe shootings, no one knows who by—and once she recovers she moves into one of Sam’s empty apartments, which is the setting of where my favorite scene in this book occurs. Sookie asks Eric to come over to help her with a favor.

And okay, I LOVE that Eric comes over even though he has no idea what the favor will be like, but really, why does Eric’s hair have to be described as "being wet with rain and straggled over his shoulders in rattails" (a little part of me dies every time I read that description) and does he really have to be wearing a brown silk tee (no), brown pleated trousers (please, just stop), and a "barbaric" brown belt with little dangling tassels hanging off of it (come on. I can't imagine why any guy would want gold tassels hanging in front of his crotch)? *barfs in mouth* At this point, I'd rather have Eric stroll in wearing an Iron Maiden concert tee. I mean, Bill got to wear his Grateful Dead shirt.

Moving on ... Sookie reveals what happened during Eric’s check-in at Hotel Stackhouse as payment once Eric agrees to arrange for Mickey to leave Tara alone, and she reveals EVERYTHING: they had ohmygodyes sex 12/7 (get it … because Eric’s only up for half the day), Eric said he’d give up his position as Sheriff of Area Five just so he could be with her, and Sookie killed Debbie Pelt with Eric as the only witness.

And then, after Eric receives what must be as the shock of his lifetime, he does something that makes me think he actually has seen or read Gone with the Wind (even though Sookie thinks he hasn’t) because he totally pulls a Rhett Butler by leaning in close to Sookie and murmuring,

“Should I just bite you, and end it all? I would never have to think about you again …. Or should I start arousing you, and discover if sex with you really is the best I’ve ever had?”

And this brings to (my crazy) mind a scene where Rhett, hurting after he discovers his wife and longtime only love of his life, Scarlett O’Hara, is lusting after Ashley, her old, now-married beau, drunkenly places his hands on either side of her head and growls, “Observe my hands, my dear. I could tear you to pieces with them with no trouble whatsoever, and I would do it if it would take Ashley out of your mind.” Ahh, the famous male romantic leads who are infamously bad boys at heart. The pseudo-threats. The seductive murmuring. The soft hidden messages behind hard words. *triumphantly folds arms across chest* There you have it.

But I barely had any time to squee because Eric informs Mickey’s maker, Salome, of her bad parenting (after Eric makes deliciously awkward vampire small talk—“How’s business at the casino? Right, right. There’s one born every moment.”) and then a ticked-off Mickey arrives, holding a very bloody Tara as hostage, and throws a rock through the window that pretty much knocks out Eric and any hope that he would be able to defend Sookie. But Sookie manages to fight off Mickey and save Tara anyways, all while letting Eric take blood from her arm to heal faster. And then once he does, he joyfully admits,

“I’ve had your blood without having to talk you into it, and I didn’t have to fight Mickey. You did all the work.”

But Eric’s not so happy when Sookie makes him sweep up and he discovers he’s the world’s worst sweeper. Hey, someone has to be.

And he really isn’t happy when he figures out that Charles’ back story (working for the King of Mississippi, who Eric and Sookie are well acquainted with) doesn’t add up, and he’s not happy at all when he tries to relay this information to Sookie and Charles keeps getting in the way. But, silly Eric, Sookie is perfectly capable of connecting the dots—which she does—and protecting herself—which, okay, she doesn’t, but the random bar patrons at Merlotte’s do when they go ahead and stake Charles.

Yes, Charles set Sookie’s house on fire and framed this random dude that he killed! Charles shot Sam so there would be an open spot at Merlotte’s! Because—wait for it—he owes allegiance to Hot Rain (Hot Rain being Longshadow’s maker) and was sent by him to hurt Eric (via Sookie) all because Eric staked Longshadow to save Sookie waaaaay back in Dead Until Dark.

author's note: This is just ANOTHER reason why Alan Ball should not have had Bill kill Longshadow, because that created the whole tribunal-magister thing that forced Bill to make Jessica a vampire as payment; in the books, Eric has to pay a hefty fine to Longshadow’s maker, who we now find out didn’t think it was good enough. Because now AB will have to stray even farther from the series IF he wants to find a way to make Charles happen (although, judging on past AB off-canon actions, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a logical way) and he better, because I really wanna have Maxine Fortenberry make a snarky comment about the new pirate vampire bartender!!

And then I was all, like, oh my gawd Bon Temps residents, it only took Sookie's parents being killed in a flash flood, Sookie being attacked by the Rattrays in the parking lot at Merlotte's, Sookie's cat being killed by a serial killer with a grudge against women (and cats? Where is Quinn the one time you need him? More on him later) who associate themselves with vampires, Sookie's Gran being killed by said serial killer but instead managing to fight him off so that she only ends up in the hospital, Sookie almost being hit with a bullet while talking to her boss, Sookie's house being lit on fire, Sookie being shot, and Sookie being attacked by an ex-pirate vampire to have them think that maybe they should get off their bar stools and lend a hand to Crazy Sookie. And apparently staking a vampire is so easy even a drunk redneck named Catfish can do it?

So if Charles shot Sam, did he also shoot Sookie and Calvin and the other supes? Nope. That award goes to Sweetie Des Arts, the new cook at Merlotte’s. And I’m going to make like Charlaine Harris and briefly mention her and then not do anything about it until later on.

Like most other SVM books, Harris weaves A LOT of plot lines concerning different supes into one novel. Seriously, I love words and everything, but there’s another reason as to why this review is so gosh-darn long. We got Sookie representing the telepaths (no Barry here, sorry folks), Arlene and Terry (and many others) representing the lowly humans, Eric and Charles (and many others) representing the vampires, Alcide and Colonel Flood (and many others) representing the Weres, Calvin and Debbie (and many others) representing the weres, Sam representing the pure shifters, Claudine and Claude representing the fairies, and Jason and Sweetie representing the lonely, misunderstood bitten half-weres. So yeah.

In non-vampire/human/fairy/shifter/were/lonely, misunderstood half-were news: Colonel Flood, the packmaster of the Shreveport Weres, was killed in a car accident so Alcide asks Sookie to come to his funeral to show her support of his father’s challenge to be the new packmaster (which she does, even though she has no official obligation to) and then Alcide asks Sookie to come to the competition for the title of packmaster to root for his father (which she does, even though she has no official obligation to). And then, when Sookie discovers that Alcide’s dad’s opponent is cheating, her competence so amazes Quinn, the were-tiger referee who I will be discussing later on, that he decides to thank her by licking the blood off of her injured leg (who does he think he is, a vampire?). Anyways, Alcide’s dad still loses so the new packmaster kills him, has sex with a maybe-underage girl in front of everyone, and just creates an all-around super fun atmosphere that Quinn decides to take advantage of to hit on Sookie via the ingenious hints about him shaving whenever he goes out. Dude, might as well just say there’s a party in your pants cause that was pretty lame, even for a guy with pansy-eyes.

But my sour spirits are lifted when Eric promises to give Sookie a free Fangtasia Hunks calendar if she keeps it on his picture. Yes, Charlaine Harris, this totally makes up for you ending this book with the lingering promise of Eric and Sookie going out of state together!

Here’s the part of the review that I’m going to call

Stuff I Should Probably Discuss But Don’t Really Like So I’ll Just Describe It Twitter-Style In 140 Characters Or Less:

1.) Sam + Sook :-* and Bill >:( and then >:K when he tackles Sam RAWR + twists Sook's arms when she tries 2 stop fight OWWIE +makes her :'( WAH

2.) Alcide + Sook :-* but Bill = day sleep so they :-* some more + Alcide says ILY move in w/ me pls? + Sook says UM NO THNX

3.) Calvin + Sook :-* but Bill = day sleep but no more :-* even tho Sook <3 it more than she thought she would b/c he "smelled like my cooking" [author's note: perfectly good reason to kiss someone; at least she's not kissing him because he has ears!]

4.) Eric + Sookie :-* :-* :-* <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 [author's note: I actually liked this, but I just wanted Eric to be represented here.]

5.) Bill brings new GF Selah 2 Merlotte's + Sook o.O and then >:( when snooty GF asks 4 Bill tips [author's note: like, off the top of my head, I'd say don't go within kicking distance of a trunk of a car, don't eat garlic, buy toothpaste whenever it's on sale, and write Britney Spears a fan letter asking for a pair of lace-up stretchy jeans, 'cause that's what Bill's into.]

And here’s the part of the review where I list the characters from Dead as a Doornail that made me wish they were real just so I could slap them:

1.) Quinn
Although, let’s be real here, I wish I could slap him in every book he appears in. I even wish he’d appear as an extra in the earlier books just so I could have more opportunities to slap him. He could be a popular belly dancer at Fangtasia, with his genie-looks and oddly hairless body and Aladdin pantaloons and gold earring.

I feel like Quinn had so much potential not to be a meathead. He’s a tiger, which is cool, and he has really unique eyes, which is cool. He’s earned the respect of practically every supe in every dimension that Einstein and Harris have ever dreamed up, which is cool. And then of course he goes and calls Sookie “babe” every time he blinks (although the first time he refers to Sookie he calls her “the woman” so go figure). Oh, and when Sookie gets injured, the first thing he does is lick her blood BEFORE he even introduces himself to her, and he purposely does it in such a way that Sookie is reminded of the one logical reason why someone would be pressing his mouth to her thigh. Seriously, dude, desperate much? Even Bill managed to keep it in his pants and wait twenty-four hours before doing that, and he’s a frickin’ vampire.

2.) Debbie Pelt
Yeah, I know she died in the last book so technically I would have to slap either a corpse or a ghost. But she plays a pretty important slap-worthy role here because:

a.) The fact that Sookie killed her and is now the only person who knows it (since Eric doesn’t remember anything) is the driving force behind why Sookie is so hesitant to tell him what happened when he stayed at Chez Sookie. Let’s face it, Debbie Pelt is Sookie’s go-to excuse of why she shouldn’t enlighten Eric because she fears that would give Eric too much power over her. And does he? UH, NO. Why did Sookie think he would? Because her opinion of him was tainted thanks to Bill, and she compares the two because they’re the only men she’s ever been intimate with and of course if Bill the vampire would do this, then Eric the vampire would too!

b.) Her mysterious disappearance causes her family to hire a team of private investigators to question Sookie (and make Eric even more intrigued) and basically make Sookie worry so much she’d totally have wrinkle lines if she didn’t ingest so much vampire blood (and also didn’t have any other supernatural beauty benefits that I won’t get into because I probably reached spoiler capacity for this review).

c.) She pops up and figuratively causes trouble for Sookie in the later books, so I feel obligated to mention her and slap her in advance.

d.) I still can't believe she was engaged to a were-owl in the last book ... were-fail.

3.) Mickey
Okay, just to make things clear, the list of people I want to slap is only in the order in which I thought of them, and that’s it. Although, just to be on the logical side, I think I would slap Mickey last because he’d probably kill me afterwards. Yes, that’s right, I plan out in what order I will slap fictional characters. Who doesn’t?

I guess the ONE good thing about Mickey (okay, second good thing—I like that he has one of the few weird vampire names in the series, and his sire, Salome, does too) is that if it weren’t for him, Sookie would not have told Eric everything that happened when he was cursed, since that’s what she doesher part of the deal she makes with Eric so that he would help rid Tara of Mickey’s evil long-nailed presence (which Eric actually ends up failing at, but at least he acknowledges it).

But it’s kind of hard to forget that he didn’t intervene in a bar fight at Merlotte’s when Sookie asked him to (but of course when she discovers there’s a drainer at the bar he has no trouble making a phone call and not even thanking Sookie) and that he savagely beat up Tara and made her life a living hell. Hence the slap.

4.) Sweetie Des Art aka BEST PORN STAR NAME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m slapping Sweetie Des Arts, self-trained supe assassin, because I don’t know much about her, and I neither like nor agree with what I do know. She’s the new cook at Merlotte’s but *shh* whenever she wasn’t flipping burgers she was busy shooting supes like Tray Dawson, Calvin Norris, and Sookie. Why? Because she’s a fraction-shifter (bitten after a car accident) and was rejected by her loved ones and doesn’t make enough money as a fry cook to pay for some therapy (I’m kidding about the last reason, BTW). Once her secret identity is revealed Andy Bellefleur (excuse me, DETECTIVE Andy Bellefleur) kills her, so that’s all I really know about her, besides the fact that she likes mystery novels and is “bony.” But. So goodbye, Sweetie Des Arts. I’m sorry I poked fun at your name when no one else did. Rest In Porn … I mean, Peace.

5) Sookie Stackhouse
I kind of want to slap Sookie, but really lightly on her forehead in a Homer Simpson D’OH kind of way. Especially when I read about how she’s upset that the first thing Eric asks her after she confessed everything was if he really promised to abandon his position as sheriff just to live with her (“Trust Eric to pick that as the most pertinent idea”). And I think if she actually thought about it for a second, then she’d realize that it was pretty big of Eric to actually acknowledge that “pertinent idea.” As we all know, he’s the Viking who, for the better part of a thousand years, was used to being powerful and strong and able to march to the beat of his own deer skin-drum as a vampire. And as we also all know, he loves his little slice of Louisiana. So for him to pledge to give it all up for Sookie—and also want to talk about it when he’s in his right state of mind instead of ignoring or making excuses for his declaration—is almost the same as him pledging to only drink expired Tru Blood for the rest of his existence, and then actually considering it once he gets his memories back. If Eric was as shallow or alpha-male as Sookie thinks he is, he would have brought up how he finally had sex with Sookie (the best sex he ever had, no less) or how he now knows that she killed Debbie Pelt. But no, he wants to discuss what has to be one of the most vulnerable and revealing statements he’s ever made, so it irks me that Sookie can’t see what she has in front of her.

Also, she misses a possible Gone with the Wind reference even though she’s supposed to be obsessed with it because she talks about it at least once a book, so I guess I’d say I want to slap Sookie, but only so I could slap some sense into her.

Okay, I shall end this very long and very crazy review with three reasons why Dead as a Doornail made me a bigger lover of SVM:

1.) Sookie plucks her own eyebrows! (page 70)

2.) Bill wants to create a “hot tub/plant room” to take the place of part of his kitchen! (page 121) *snorts* Only Bill would want to get down and dirty in a hot tub surrounded by plants. “Oh, yeah, darlin’, right there, keep doing what you’re doing—mmm, yeah, you water that bonsai tree. Yeah. Water it real good.”

3.) If you’re unfamiliar with the “terra-cotta pants suit” that Claudine wears on page 20, that’s a good thing! I had never heard of that before, so I used my handy-dandy Google and found this little gem:

I feel confident in saying that my grandmother (I know, I know, I keep talking about her, but this is the woman who watched both seasons of True Blood with me, so just roll with it) would not be caught dead wearing this hideous outfit to mow the lawn in, so how the heck am I supposed to believe that the model-esque girl who works at a clothing store would stroll into a bar wearing this monstrosity? Guess you have to be a supernaturally beautiful fairy to pull it off.

I’d give Dead as a Doornail three bloods. The aftermath of Eric recovering from both his amnesia and knowing what he did when he had amnesia is satisfying and very revealing, but the book would work better if some of the supe plot lines mysteriously disappeared or didn’t receive as much attention. I know the last book was very Eric-centric, and I get that maybe the one after it didn't need to be, but this book isn't anyone-centric; it's Eric/Charles/Jason/Sam/Calvin/Tara/Mickey/gross fashion-centric.

Tah dah:

Random author’s note: My number one Eric gift is the driveway from Club Dead (‘nuff said) and the number two Eric gift is the flower arrangement he sends to a hospital-bound Sookie that would make Georgia O’Keefe rise from her grave just to paint the red flower that looks like a lady part. Does Bill, her boyfriend, give Sookie flowers? Nope. But he promises to kill Rene for her. *rolls eyes* I’d rather have the flowers. They’d smell nicer, for starters. But that’s just me.

And after Sookie figures out that “the most interesting” floral arrangement is from Eric, she thinks the immortal line that basically sums up all nine books in three short sentences:

“That was all I needed. How the hell had he [Eric] heard I was in the hospital? Why hadn’t I heard from Bill?”

-afalcone10

P.S. Tell us what you though of Book 5 in the comments below! :[